i got you, babe
by joker to the thief
Summary: She could not, would not, have someone like Noah Puckerman getting in the way. No matter how lovely his arms were.


**AN: **From a prompt by **gabi_in_wndrlnd** over at the LJ drabblememe - How to lose a guy in 10 days, Puckleberry style.

* * *

Noah Puckerman wears her down sometime between summer break and the first month back in school.

He's everywhere – at Temple, in the choir room, in class, at the mall. And he doesn't seem to get it through his thick skull that no, she does not want to date him, nor does she fancy a ride on the Puckerone Express.

She thought he'd eventually get tired of it and move on to greener (read: easier) pastures but he is persistent. He passes her notes in History (something along the lines of 'You look hot. Wanna make out?'). He sexts her during glee (albeit mild-mannered sexts, which she didn't think were even possible). He whispers in her ear during lunch and manages to simultaneously annoy her and set butterflies in her stomach in flight. He calls her at night, sometimes just to talk about her day, most times to say things that never fail to make her blush.

She has honestly had it up to _here_ the day he finally corners her in the hall and asks her, straight out, on an honest-to-goodness date. She's so infuriated with him that she says yes.

He just doesn't get it. He was a nice enough boy but she doesn't want to date him. She can't. She belongs with Finn and his intended place as her leading man. It was like destiny, kismet or an award-winning scripted TV show. They were bound to get back together; it was just a matter of time. She could not, would not, have someone like Noah Puckerman getting in the way. No matter how lovely his arms were.

Their first date goes spectacularly well, to her surprise. He takes her two towns over to this small restaurant with a live band. There's dancing under the moonlight, slushies in the parking lot of the 7-11 on the way home and a goodnight kiss just on this side of proper. It is a romantic and perfect first date.

Damn him.

She couldn't have him ruining her perfectly charted, meticulously planned course. So she borrows a page from that acclaimed romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson and that man who was apparently Sam Evan's idol; a movie that, truth be told, she kind of enjoyed despite it being a disappointing outing for Ms. Hudson after her star-making, Oscar-lauded turn in _Almost Famous_. Rest assured, that would not be happening to one Rachel Barbra Berry, no, sir. _She_ knew better.

So anyway…there is the Plan. By the end of it, she is certain he would be running for the hills.

Day 1, she introduces him all around school as her boyfriend and presents him with a calendar with their faces superimposed on two harmless baby chicks and all their pertinent dates circled, tagged and color-coded. First date? It's there. First make-out? It's there. Even the anniversary of their first kiss (which was in 3rd grade, so hooray for photographic memories and crazy Jewish parents).

Day 2 is Meet the Parents day. Who cares if it's only been 2 days? And one thing great about having two dads? Twice the power to scare boys off. She makes sure to prep them with as much ammo about Noah as she possibly can. Repeated visits to Cougartown? Check. Impregnated a gentile? Check. Juvie record? Check.

Day 3 has her showing up at his game in a baseball shirt with TEAM NOAH in big red letters and an embroidered Puckleberry baseball cap, shrieking like a banshee every 5 minutes, whether the situation called for it or not, and yelling about how that man is her boyfriend. (Yes, she is definitely embracing the more colorful aspects of her multi-faceted personality.)

Day 4 is her looking her grandma toddler-ish best with an appliquéd cat cardigan over a beige turtleneck, a pleated skirt, multicolored striped knee socks and penny loafers. It is enough to draw a shriek of horror from Kurt, weird looks from the other students and the ire of Senorita Loca aka Santana Lopez (which is what she was going for).

Day 5, she shows up unannounced at his home, surprising his mom and his sister. She invades his room with her various feminine things and does her very best to ingratiate herself with his mother in the most annoying ways possible ("Why yes, Aviva, I'd love to hear your thoughts about possible wedding caterers!")

Day 6 to 7 is basically her using him as a chauffeur to dance classes and vocal lessons and her part-time job as a barista at the Starbucks across town and being as Rachel as possible every time. She clings to his arm, is touchy-feely, she sings at the top of her lungs to whatever song is on the radio and she even dares to touch said radio.

Day 8, she crashes his planned game night with the boys with her (Noah's words) crazy jets fully blazing. She comes equipped with homemade cookies with the words 'Noah & Rachel' on them and 'little gay ass' canapés (again, Noah's words). Basically, she becomes the epitome of the neediest girlfriend in the history of the planet. Suffice it to say, there will not be any virtual shooting of anything that night.

Day 9, she makes him listen to her Broadway cast recordings and watch _Funny Girl, West Side Story, Cabaret_ and _Chicago_ all in one night, all of which she is certain will have him screaming about his eardrums and running out into the street.

And day 10, for the piece de resistance, she throws the most epic bitch fit in Glee over another solo and then just waits for him to roll his eyes and walk away from her forever.

However, she is the one that throws in the towel at the end of it.

On day 1, he _preens_ when she starts calling him her boyfriend. The calendar only merits an eyebrow raise before he hangs it prominently in his locker (right above his picture of Jimi Hendrix). Looking at the dates, he actually laughs at the one for their first kiss and says, "Knew I got to first base even before I was ten. Knew it!" He then slings an arm around her waist and gives her a surprisingly sweet kiss on the lips before walking her to class.

At dinner at her house, he not only manages to withstand her dads' interrogation but manages to charm them completely with his honesty and his intelligence. Later, when she is showing him to the door, he tugs her to him by her belt loops and smiles at her. "Your dads are pretty awesome, baby," he whispers before kissing her goodbye.

When she starts obnoxiously cheering at his game, she can hear his loud guffaw from the pitcher's mound and see him tip his cap to her. And before every pitch, she swears she can feel his eyes flick over to where she is sitting on the stands. After they win the game, she asks him why he wasn't fazed by her admittedly loud mouth. He just shrugs, his arm around her shoulders and his hand playing with her pigtails, and says, "No one ever cared enough to cheer like you do." As for the shirt, he gets a devilish smirk on his face and says at least now everyone would know who she belonged to.

Day 4, she watches in shock as he tells off (with numerous curse words and aspersions on Santana's parentage) his former fuck buddy for calling his girl a 'fugly little dwarf who looks like a thrift store threw up on her'. He doesn't laugh like the others and the anger on his face is frightening to behold. Later, in her room, he peels off her sweaters and tells her in the best way he knows, just how beautiful he thinks she is.

He rolls his eyes when he watches her with his mom but makes her giggle by whispering in her ear admittedly true facts about his crazy Jew mom. His previously strictly masculine room now has a few of her sweaters lying around and her perfume and lotion angling for shelf space among his and what does he do? Sniff at the air and wonder, "Fuck, baby, how come you actually smell like berries? It's unreal."

Days 6 and 7 has him mostly quiet but she catches him smiling when she sings to whatever Top 40 hit was on the radio. One time, he outright laughs when she tries to rap before he joins her and Kanye. He revels in touching her, even going so far as hauling her across the bench seat of his truck so she is tucked into his side as he drives. And the words he whispers in her ear about what he really thinks of her dance ensembles almost make her spontaneously combust.

When she shows up at his house in Betty Crocker mode and in full view of Finn, Mike, Sam and Artie, he doesn't even blink. He tells her to haul her ass over to him so he can have the first go at her 'cookies'. He leers at her, she slaps his arm in outrage and somehow, she ends up on his lap, giggling her head off. She forgets all about her plan as the boys manage to eat everything she has brought within 15 minutes and they start teaching her the basics of Halo. Artie and Sam seem to be trying to 'out-geek' the other, Noah keeps trying to cop a feel and she ends up fitting into his little group more than she thought was possible. She doesn't even notice Finn is there.

Day 9, he almost pitches a fit when he learns that she wants him to (and this is in no way paraphrased) 'listen to every goddamned fucking musical shit on the face of the planet'. But somehow he manages to negotiate that for every musical soundtrack she makes him listen to, she has to listen to one of his albums. They end up having a spirited debate about different musical genres and artists and she leaves with a newfound appreciation for the White Stripes. As for their movie night, she can tell that he isn't actually watching the movies she selected. But he holds her closer, nuzzling her neck whenever she starts singing along to the music onscreen, and that is enough to make her smile for the rest of the night.

After her diva storm-out from Glee, she is surprised to hear his steps behind her and a "Slow your roll, crazy cakes." His longer strides catch up to her in seconds and he turns her around to face him. His face is a calm mask when he tells her, quite plainly, "Rach, you're being a bitch." She gasps and struggles to free herself but he stands firm.

"Look, I don't know what that was all about but you were being selfish and totally unfair. Baby, you're the most talented person I know. You've got more talent in your pinky than all those idiots in there combined. You don't need to prove anything. You don't have to." His face softens. "This isn't just about you, Rach. This is about us; we're a team. Let Quinn have her Taylor Swift song. She's worked hard on it and she deserves to sing just as much as you do."

She gives him a watery smile and he seems relieved. "C'mere," he husks out, taking her in his arms. "Besides, give it 5 years and you'll be whooping Taylor Swift ass at the Grammys," he whispers conspiratorially, making her laugh.

As he holds her (and she can't help but think how perfectly she fits), she is struck by the thought that this boy, this man she's been trying to drive out of her life for the past 10 days is the one person she wants to stay in it.

She broods all through Day 11. Now she doesn't know what to think or what to do. Maybe all the things she had done had a cumulative, long-term effect and he was going to break up with her any second. Maybe it was all a joke to him, a bet with his friends on how long he could stand the Very Berry Special Brand of Crazy, and he was biding his time before dumping her. The last thing she needs is for her plan to actually work. She doesn't want him to dump her.

She just wants him.

By Day 13, the tension has finally gotten to her. He is driving her home and talking about the awesome episode of _Dexter_ he was just dying to have her watch. He pulls up to her driveway and turns to her for their customary goodbye kiss (or make-out, whatever) when her social filter decides it should just fly out the window.

"Why haven't you broken up with me?" she blurts out.

"Um, what the fuck?"

"No, seriously, why are you still here? I mean, I've worn the worst, least provocative clothes in front of you. I've talked to your mother about wedding dresses and hand-carved chuppahs. A chuppah, Noah! I've been smothering and embarrassing and needy and annoying. I've tried everything I could to drive you away and yet you're still here! What is your deal?" Her hands are flailing around everywhere as she tries to prove her point, her face feels like it's burning and _oh my god, why can't she stop talking?_

His face is stony while he listens to her rant. "Do you want me to break up with you?" he demands.

"No! That's not the point!" she shoots back.

"Then what _is_ the point?" he growls.

"I don't know," she sighs, frustrated. She buries her face in her hands. "Why are you even with me, Noah?"

"Because I like you," he shrugs.

"But why?" she practically whines.

He actually laughs at this. "I just do, okay?"

At her disbelieving look, he huffs. "Look, you believe in me even when I'm the town fuck-up. You make the world's best cookies. You don't give a damn what anyone else thinks because you're like a tiny midget badass. You're smart and talented and you make me laugh. And fuck, you're smoking hot. So, I don't know…I just like everything about you. That's it, right there. No, I don't want to break up with you. Wasn't planning to, like, ever."

"You mean I haven't scared you off?" she says timidly, peeking through her fingers at him.

"Baby, I'm a badass. I don't scare easy." His grin should be declared illegal with the way it makes her heart skip a beat. "Besides, I dig your crazy. 'Course, that might mean I'm kinda psycho myself but hey…"

Before he can continue his thought, she pounces on him and latches on like she's never letting go.

(Which, come to think of it, isn't such a bad plan at all.)

(She remembers that one decent conversation she had with Mr. Schuester after that unfortunate incident of her schoolgirl crush on him. And she thinks he was right all along.)


End file.
